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Archive for March 2010

Call me Blossom, Turd Blossom

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Texas has Textbooks?

The Alamo didn’t involved Mexicans, Ross Perot and Ralph Nader never existed, and the Civil Rights movement created “unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes” among minorities, according to new textbooks from the Texas State Board of Education. In addition to exporting lousy presidents, Texas is also a major buyer of textbooks so most schools may be using these “edited” materials; “I think the left has a real problem seeing their own bias.” said Dr. (really a dentist) Don McLeroy, one of the conservative members dominating the Board and demanding a full revision of history. Ronald Reagan not only overthrew the Soviet Union single-handedly, but also cured cancer while wrestling Bigfoot, and “free enterprise” (capitalism is suddenly a bad word among conservatives) makes everyone rich. Five members of the Board are minorities, all of whom will be deported once these books come out, with Mavis Knight of Dallas leading the lackluster opposition, saying, “I cannot go back to my community and say I participated in perpetrating this fraud on the students.” If such bias in teaching our history doesn’t disturb you, remember this was a front-page story on the New York Times, the official champion of liberal blather for over a century.

Turd Blossom!

Karl Rove (yep, a Texan) fresh out of prison (we wish) and pushing his new, totally honest and accurate tell-all book “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Gay Muslim Woman” appeared on Meet the Press to ironically accuse the Obama admin of a lack of transparency and overly aggressive policy approaches. “Stuffed with pork” he called the health care bill (FYI: Dubya nicknamed Rove “Turd Blossom”) and the King of Swine would know. Subjects, responses (and real meaning) follow — On weapons of mass destruction not being found in Iraq: “We would have found other ways to constrain his [Saddam’s] behavior.” (We would have invaded anyway.) On the management and cost of the war: “The Admin emphatically said this was not about oil…” (It was about oil.) On Sarah Palin: “This is her year to get ready for the red-hot spotlight…” (I’m helping her.) On the Tea Party: “Right now they’re going to exact their revenge this year and it isn’t going to be pretty for Dems.” (I’m helping them, too, until I get a better offer.) On the press: “The press covering John McCain was star-struck [in 2000].” (That’s why we told everyone McCain had a black bastard child.) Is Fox News fair To Obama? “Absolutely.” adding, “I would not be put out there as a quote ‘objective journalist.’” (They call me Turd Blossom for a reason.)

Feeling Moody?

New legislation to overhaul the financial industry (sure to be more popular than health care reform) wrought a warning shot from credit rating agency Moody’s, which announced that the US and UK are “substantially” closer to losing their AAA credit ratings. This year our government will spend 7% of revenue to pay interest on debt, growing to 11% by 2013 – if we hit 15% our credit rating will drop to AA. Thereon it’s payday loans and pawning of the Smithsonian, but don’t dare raise taxes or touch the military.

And You Thought America is a Mess…

The Republic of Georgia’s pro-government Imedi TV aired a 30-minute invasion by Russian troops Saturday night, scaring the entire country sober for a brief while, with “live” footage of fellow Georgians fleeing and sound-bites from Russian President Medvedev and PM Putin – Unfortunately Imedi TV forgot to alert viewers that the invasion wasn’t real and only a “simulation” until the very end; “War of the Worlds” but more realistic, Georgia was invaded by Russia in 2008 so viewers were understandably freaked out. In related news regarding poor planning: Israel managed to ostracize its only ally on Earth by announcing new settlement construction in disputed East Jerusalem – Oops! – During VP Joe Biden’s visit last week to encourage peace talks between Israel and Palestinians; Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the timing “insulting.”

Olympic-Sized Headaches

Workers excavating a road for the London 2012 Olympic sailing venue unearthed a mass grave containing 51 beheaded bodies, unleashing a curse that will leave all Brits with bad teeth and led by inbred people known as “Royalty” – The decapitated remains later proved to be Vikings who obviously invaded the wrong area and lost more than the battle during the Dark Ages. God’s bff Cardinal Ratzinger (now known as the kinder, gentler, Pope Benedict) is known to have moved at least one priest accused of sexual abuse to another church; in response, God said he’s pondering another Great Flood. Long overdue help for some 10,000 claimants who became ill after working at Ground Zero (AKA “the inside job”) came last week when a $657 million offer was announced – Until postponed by a Federal Judge who wanted to make sure that the myriad lawyers involved are fairly compensated, saying, “This won’t be a giveaway.”

News of the Dead

The New York City Police Department towed a van in lower Manhattan for being illegally parked – That is, the van was parked in front of Redden’s Funeral Home and contained a corpse, which wasn’t discovered until the van was already impounded. Michael Jackson may be more profitable dead than alive, with a reported offer from Sony Music to release seven posthumous albums (unreleased tracks or sounds of decay, we don’t know, yet) guaranteeing the King of Pop’s estate $200 million. Finally, NAMBLA lost its poster-boy last week when Corey Haim died at 38; an overdose is suspected (Gee, ya think?) and the loss of the forever-13 heartthrob (don’t fret, there’s one more Corey still alive) has been linked to an “illegal and massive prescription-drug ring,” according to California Attorney General Jerry Brown. Remember, when you’re stealing grandpa’s Oxycontin, don’t cut the pills in half or chew them, it’s like saying “Oh, I’ll just take a little heroin.”


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Written by bradlockwood

March 19, 2010 at 2:17 pm

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